


Lie Back and Think of Volleyball

by Anonymous



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Embarrassment and Humiliation, Kenma is bad at sex, M/M, and it's not nearly as funny as I wanted it to be, bokurotsuki is just a side pairing but it's pretty graphically discussed, sex tips, the mutually assured destruction of Kenma and Kuroo was almost the title for this, this was kind of just supposed to be a joke but it got out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 05:19:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14610246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kenma never thinks much about his sex life with Lev, but he's always assumed it's been going about as well as anyone else's. That's until Kuroo makes some less than reassuring comments over drinks.





	Lie Back and Think of Volleyball

**Author's Note:**

> this started as a joke with a friend about how Kenma is probably The pillow princess to end all pillow princesses, otherwise known as just being bad in bed

Kenma spent a good portion of his life worrying what other people thought of him. He spent his entire adolescence cultivating the most low-key presence possible so as not to attract the unwanted attentions--and thus the unwanted opinions--of others. It was something others often told him made him sullen or jumpy. While that was true for the most part, there were a select few people Kenma found it easier to be around than others. Tetsurou, for example, made him feel at ease because they knew each other for so long and so well, there wasn't anything Tetsurou could say or do Kenma couldn't predict. Shouyo made him feel at ease because he didn't carry an ounce of bad will in his body, so Kenma knew even if he did something which seemed odd to Shouyo, his friend would mark it down as just another part of Kenma which made them so close. Lev made him feel at ease because he seemed to adore everything about Kenma; the only thing ever to phase Lev when it came to Kenma was unintentionally upsetting him.

It hadn't always been that way, of course. In their early days at Nekoma, Lev was one of the many, many people who exhausted Kenma. He was big, he was foreign, he was loud, he was full of energy, and he seemed to want nothing more than every scrap of Kenma's attention he could get. Despite all this they somehow managed to settle into a rhythm as teammates, which eventually graduated into the effortless rhythm between a setter and a wing spiker. Even that hadn't been enough for Lev, however, who only seemed to grow more and more restless around Kenma every passing day. It got to the point where he was visibly straining at the seams holding himself back. Kenma was half tempted to tell him to stop holding himself back, to do what everyone--even Kenma himself--knew he wanted to do. Lev, who'd never been a model for self restraint in the first place, luckily didn't hold out much longer.

So, in Kenma's third year of high school, he found himself getting asked out on a date for the first time in his life. Kenma said yes and the rest, as they say, is history. Five years later, they're living together in a small one room apartment nearby the station Kenma takes to get to his job as an archivist at a university library. Lev has to make a transfer from the same station to get to his team's gym for practice, but when Kenma suggested moving somewhere more in the middle ground Lev kissed him on the head and told him, "This way you can get some extra sleep in the morning."

Kenma hadn't been able to retort, his embarrassment practically choking him even as his heart swelled with love for his boyfriend. Lev does a lot of things like that, to the point where Kenma feels spoiled rotten. In a lot of ways, it's softened the edges of his social hang-ups, because whose opinion of Kenma could possibly be more important than that of the love of his life? Perhaps it's that exact line of thinking which leads to him lowering his guard enough to find himself in his current predicament. It's the first time he's ever felt insecure in his relationship, all over something stupid which he probably could've rectified long ago if he was on his guard.

It started with Kenma meeting Tetsurou for drinks on a Friday night. As was their usual routine, Kenma conservatively sipped on a beer while Tetsurou pounded back shots and lamented over his latest difficulties. That night, his relationship was the only subject on hand, "Kei is so stressed about his upcoming interviews he won't even let me touch him!" Tetsurou groaned while he rubbed at his face miserably. "And then Kou thinks it's unfair for him to have fun while Kei is suffering under all this pressure, so he's abstaining as a show of solidarity." For a moment his demeanor softened, "It's so sweet and I love them both so much," before quickly morphing back to agony, "but I'm dying!" Kenma hummed to confirm that he was listening and took another sip of his beer. "I couldn't get Kei to give me so much as a pity lick even when I begged him!"

Kenma made the mistake of commenting on that particular bit of information, "Who could blame him?" he muttered, something innocuous which Tetsurou would normally plow right through. That night wasn't a normal night.

"I already know you think I'm gross, Kenma, you don't gotta rub it in," Tetsurou whined.

Kenma felt the strange need to clarify as he looked at his childhood best friend in such a pitiful state, "I didn't mean it against you, giving head is what's gross."

Tetsurou visibly straightened, eyes cleared where before they were near tearful from intoxication. "What?"

Kenma took another sip from his beer to try settling the nerves which flared up at the scrutiny, "What?" he shot back defensively.

"Kenma... do you not suck Lev's dick?" Kenma scrunched up his nose and wrinkled his brow at the direction the conversation was heading in.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Lev knows I don't like it, so he never asks me to." Tetsurou abruptly started to howl with laughter.

"You're kidding me! Kenma, man, you must suck in bed." Kenma spluttered in humiliation at the insult, "I bet you just lie back and take it, a total pillow princess." Tetsurou's laughter only increased in volume when he noticed the look on Kenma's face. "I'm right, aren't I? Oh man, Lev must really love you. I would love my boys either way too, I guess, but the things we get up to is like the cherry on top. Before our dry spell, Kou did this one thing--" from there Kenma tuned him out.

Kenma sent Tetsurou home in a cab, afterwards he shot Tsukishima and Bokuto a quick email letting them know Tetsurou was on his way home. He made his way to the nearest station sluggishly. All the while, Tetsurou's comments festered in his head. He never thought of his relationship with Lev much in terms of either of their performances in bed, but he couldn't deny the fact that Tetsurou may have been right about him. Lev and he usually only have sex in the missionary position: hands and knees is no good because they don't have a mattress and kneeling on the futon makes Kenma's knees ache the next day; trying to ride Lev makes Kenma's thighs quiver with exhaustion after only a few minutes, so it's not even worth the effort. Lev usually lays Kenma back onto a mountain of pillows, props his hips up with a special cushion meant to support his lower back so his hips won't ache, and takes care of everything. On a few occasions he's even let Kenma play his PSP while they do it. He knows Kenma doesn't like giving head, so he never asks for it. He knows Kenma hates the feeling of cum running down his legs so he always uses a condom. Kenma can't even keep up with Lev's stamina, often using his hand to sate his boyfriend before rolling over and going to sleep. It occurred to him that he didn't even know what Lev liked in bed. He almost laughed at how ridiculous it was; he probably hears more about Tetsurou's preferences than the preferences of his partner of five years.

Even with his mind so occupied, Kenma managed to stumble into his apartment on autopilot. With the door securely shut and locked behind him, Kenma blearily surveyed the room. The first thing he saw was Lev passed out at the table in front of the television set. Kenma's heart fluttered just at the sight of him. He probably fell asleep while waiting up for Kenma, just like he always did, no matter how many times Kenma insisted Lev just get some rest. "You take such good care of me," Kenma muttered to himself in the quiet.

\--

Kenma continues to think about it over the next few days, considering what he can do to improve his performance. A cursory search only provides tips for heterosexual couples: wholly useless. Reddit seems to be full of people struggling with the same question, but the only answer ever given is, "ask your partner." Not likely. Kenma knows if he brings up what he could do in bed Lev would only kiss him on the head and say something like, "You don't need to do anything for me." Kenma knows he'd mean every word, too. The thought makes him feel even worse, because he wants to make Lev feel just as good as Lev makes him feel. He even thinks about going to one of his friends for help, although just the notion of it makes his stomach clench in anxiety. Shouyo and Tetsurou are his go-to options, but he's hesitant to ask either one of them. Shouyo would likely only get embarrassed and clam up if Kenma were to ask him what kind of things he does for Kageyama. Tetsurou would definitely be more open about his sex life and what Kenma could do, but he would also laugh at just how clueless Kenma is. He sullenly sinks down into his desk chair. It's not his fault he's so inexperienced. Lev had been his first in everything, up to and including sex.

Kenma steels himself for what he knows he has to do next. He pulls out his phone to hastily compose a text message:

_Do you want to grab lunch together tomorrow?_

and hits send.

\--

The next day finds Kenma standing outside a fairly high end cafe where he's agreed to pay for the other party. He briefly laments the hit his account is about to take, before squaring his shoulders and going inside. It's not hard to find who he's supposed to be meeting, considering said person is the only near-two meter tall blonde in the whole place, if not the entire prefecture. Kenma grabs a seat across from Tsukishima, "Sorry I'm late," he mutters.

Tsukishima regards him with boredom, "I've only been here for a couple of minutes. I'd like to order now though." Kenma nods, pulling out his credit card to hand off to Tsukishima. He looks about ready to go off to the counter without another word, but he seems to stop himself, "Do you want anything?"

Kenma resists the urge to smile at Tsukishima actually making an effort to be courteous, "No, thank you." His stomach is already unsettled with nerves, he dreads to think of what would happen if he were to drink coffee. Once Tsukishima is settled back at the table with a latte and what appears to be mini quiches, Kenma finds himself wanting to call the whole thing off.

Almost as if he can sense what Kenma is thinking, Tsukishima pins him down in his seat with a glance. "So what's this about? You never ask me to lunch," he points out consideringly, "in fact, I'm pretty sure you don't actually like me." Kenma doesn't attempt to deny it, which just makes Tsukishima smile coolly, "That's alright. The feeling is mutual, but I'm willing to be civil for Tetsurou and Koutarou. They can't get enough of you." Kenma briefly considers that might be the root of the problems between them, but he doesn't dare say as much.

"I... need some advice," Kenma replies carefully. Tsukishima doesn't interrupt, so Kenma powers through, his leg bouncing nervously while sweat beads at his hairline, "It's kind of embarrassing, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell anyone, please." Tsukishima hums, but doesn't say anything more. Kenma deflates at the lack of response, "Can you please... " he lets out a slow breath, unable to keep his voice from lowering to a near whisper, "can you please give me tips on how to be good in bed."

Tsukishima freezes with his cup halfway raised to his lips. It's the first honest reaction Kenma's gotten out of him so far. He composes himself quickly however, lowering the cup back down onto its saucer and clearing his throat. "Is this about the whole 'pillow princess' comment Tetsurou made to you last week? He was drunk and being an idiot, don't worry about it," Tsukishima says it resolutely, though there's still a flush of embarrassment present on his cheeks.

Kenma groans; he feels like burying himself in a hole twenty meters deep, "He told you about that?"

"He has no filter when he's drunk and he kept laughing about it while I was trying to sleep. Thanks for that, by the way." Kenma's humiliation seems to, unfortunately, have put Tsukishima back into his usual rhythm.

"It's not just about that," Kenma sighs, picking at his cuticles unconsciously, "I really am... bad in bed. I have no stamina, we only do it missionary because I can't do it any other way, and I won't put his dick in my mouth because I don't like the taste and if he pushes in too far I throw up." Kenma flinches when he feels the skin around his nail split open from his picking.

Tsukishima takes a drink from his latte, seeming to consider Kenma's words. "So why come to me?"

Kenma moves on to a different nail bed, fidgeting slightly before continuing, "I go drinking with Tetsurou pretty regularly. He... talks a lot about you and Bokuto. I know way more about your sex lives than I should, sorry."

Tsukishima manages to look both irritated and embarrassed. He lets out a huff, rubs the bridge of his nose, and grits out, "I'm going to kill him when I get home." He takes a more generous gulp of his latte, "I'm sorry Kozume. I feel bad for Lev, I really do," Kenma flushes in humiliation, "but I can't teach you to like the taste of dick or how to deepthroat one."

"Just a pointer or two, that's all I'm asking for," Kenma thinks he might cry with just how horrible and embarrassed this entire conversation is making him feel, his nailbed splits open again so he moves on to the next finger.

Tsukishima softens, looking more pitying now rather than irritated, probably because he doesn't want to watch a grown man cry on his lunch hour. "Ugh, fine," he shifts in his seat uncomfortably, "anything you can't get through practice you can get on the internet." Kenma shakes his head with a frown.

"I already-" Tsukishima holds up his hand, stopping Kenma in his tracks.

"I didn't mean reading some online magazine article, I mean Amazon. If kneeling hurts your knees buy some knee pads, if you don't like tasting someone wrap them up in a flavored condom, if you have a sensitive gag reflex hose your throat down with numbing spray, and if you can't go as long as your partner get yourself a ring," he holds up his pointer finger and thumb in a tight circle to illustrate his point. Kenma is so stunned he's stopped picking at his cuticles. "That's my tip. Am I done now? Can I go? This is the most embarrassing conversation I've ever had with someone I don't actually like enough to put up with it."

Kenma nods and Tsukishima can't seem to get out of the cafe fast enough. The only consolation is Kenma knows Tsukishima was so embarrassed by their encounter he probably won't relay the details to Tetsurou or Bokuto.

\--

It probably would've all gone according to plan if Kenma had been the one who was home when his packages showed up at the apartment. Instead, he walks in the door to find Lev holding a bottle of throat numbing spray in one hand and a cock ring still in its packaging in the other. The look on his face is nothing less than astonished. Then, he seems to register that Kenma's standing right in front of him, because he screeches and flings the items up into the air, "I didn't order these, I swear! It must be some kind of mix-up!"

Kenma picks up the bottle and the plastic package with a sigh, "I know you didn't, Lev," his cheeks flush red, "I ordered them,"  he mutters sullenly.

Lev looks like he might just faint at the confession, "You....." he trips over his words clumsily, "I mean. Kenma? I.... why?" he starts to look distressed. "Am I not lasting long enough?" He plucks the throat numbing spray out of Kenma's hand, "I can get you all the way down to the base though, so what's this for?"

Kenma know he must look like a ripe tomato when he's finally able to muster up his reply, "It's not for you, Lev. None of it is. It's.... all for me." Lev is stunned into silence. "I wanted to... I mean... " Kenma would be picking at his cuticles if one hand wasn't currently clutching a plastic wrapped sex toy for dear life, so he instead opts to keep his eyes focused on the floor. "I know I'm not any good in bed. I just--I wanted to try some stuff to make it good for you." Lev is the quietest Kenma's ever known him to be in his life, but just when his nerves are about to overwhelm him, his boyfriend steps forward and embraces him.

"Kenma, I'm sorry." Lev nuzzles against him and all of the tension in Kenma's body instantly melts away. He carelessly lets the plastic package in his hand drop to the floor so he can tangle his hands in the fabric of Lev's shirt.

"Why are you apologizing?" he asks directly into Lev's chest.

"I don't know what I did to make you think you're bad in bed. I'm sorry I did it, because that's not what I think at all." Kenma cranes his neck up to look at Lev, whose expression is both contrite and loving.

"It wasn't anything you did, Lev," he almost says 'it was Tetsurou,' but decides that would cause more confusion than anything, "it's just something I've been thinking about. I mean... don't you mind that all I do in bed is lie back and make you do all the work?" Lev seems just as confused as he probably would've been if Kenma brought Tetsurou into the conversation.

"I don't mind that at all! I think it's sexy."

"What about the fact that we can only do it in one position?"

"Hah? I like the missionary position, I get to look at your face the whole time!"

"Don't you want me to at least give you a blowjob once in a while?" Lev's face screws up in thinly veiled horror.

"Ah, no offense, Kenma, but the idea of putting my dick anywhere near your mouth is a huge turn off. You've thrown up in my lap three times while trying to do it and I'd prefer to go the rest of my life without that ever happening again." Kenma buries his face in Lev's chest.

"Sorry." Lev makes a dismissive noise and kisses Kenma on the top of his head.

"It's okay! I like our sex life because it's ours, Kenma!" Lev grins down at him and Kenma feels himself choking on that heady combination of embarrassment and love again.

"Then..." he blushes, looking away, "do you... want to do it right now?"

Lev lights up, "Yeah! You go wash up, I'll get the futon ready!" He kisses Kenma square on the mouth before practically bounding across the room to get everything ready.

Kenma laughs into his palm, relief and fondness and a mix of a million other emotions crashing into him all at once. It was ridiculous. It was all so ridiculous. He kicks the packaged cock ring across the floor and turns to go to the bathroom.

\--

"I'm sorry, Kenma." Tetsurou groans with his cheek pressed against the bar table, an empty shot glass held loosely in his right hand. "Kei told me what I said to you before was really bothering you and I should apologize."

Kenma smiles into the mouth of his beer bottle; maybe his relationship with Tsukishima isn't as beyond salvaging as he thought. "It's alright, Tetsurou. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."

Tetsurou blinks up at him in surprise, "That might be the first time I've ever heard you say that in the eighteen years we've known each other."

Kenma shrugs, "Guess I'm just growing up." Tetsurou laughs

"Guess so." he turns his face so that his forehead is pressed against the table now. He lets out an even more agonized groan, "Kei is still pissed that I tell you everything about my sex life, though. He even got in with his first choice but he wouldn't celebrate with me! He locked me out of the bedroom so I had to listen to Koutarou and him go at it while I was banished to the living room."

"Tetsurou." Kenma scolds and Tetsurou clutches at his head.

"I can't help it! I tell you everything!"

"Well, stop." Kenma sips his beer, "from now on any talk of our sex lives is banned."

"Boooo," Tetsurou joking calls out. He finally drags himself up off the table to slam back another shot, "Then let me tell you about this asshole at work."

\--

The night ends the same as most other nights spent out with Tetsurou. Kenma dumps him into the back of a cab, messages his boyfriends when they can expect him home, and walks to the nearest station. When he gets home Lev is up waiting for him with a glass of water; Kenma knows life couldn't get any better.

**Author's Note:**

> all's well that ends well! the joke is that short of throw up in his lap Lev takes most things in stride. I might make a bonus chapter of Kenma and Lev actually having sex but I'm beyond rusty when it comes to writing smut


End file.
